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It is not easy, but it is worth it

Grateful

December 14, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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Many things have changed in 3 years. I knew I had a problem for very long but always put it on hold. I didn’t want to address it; my pride won’t let me. It took 18 months, and after years of keeping it contained, it finally took over, I lost control of it and went down so fast. I knew there was no way out. I found desperation, and when asked if I wanted help I jumped right into it. I am grateful I did because I was going to die if I continue on that path.

I went from the struggle minute by minute to stay away from picking up to the victory to go to bed sober. From seeing long-term sobriety as too much time to need more time of it because three years are not enough.

We are made from all of these feelings; life is all kind of experiences. You can’t be happy all the time. It is ok to be angry, sad and depressed sometimes because that is the way it is.

Life will bring you a few good things and then a bunch of bad ones. If you are looking for only the highs and want to avoid the lows, you will only find disappointment.

So, after all this time you realize it. You have been waiting for the big moment, the epiphany. Well, this is it, this doesn’t go away. You wrestle it every day. So you are happy to be able to do it. Others don’t t get to be that lucky.

Be grateful.

 

 

 

1087

December 6, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

 

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What have I learned and what is my life like today after 1087 days in sobriety? I have gone through many changes. From being afraid of having a drink and counting minute by minute begging to be able to stay sober for one more hour until I attend a meeting. When the most significant victory of a day would be to go to bed sober. To almost not thinking about the subject but to be aware who I am and where do I come from.

It has been a lot of learning, and it has been hard to find that most of the life I was living was a lie. To realize that I had no friends and that the relationships and people that are important in my life were broken and away from me because of me. Everything changed a lot and kept on moving, bringing moments I never expected to live again. Sometimes I feel that I experience feelings for the first time and others, I get to comfort myself watching how lost moments of happiness and content come back and soothe my soul.

There are moments when I hurt from the reality of the things I lost and the people I let down and know it can’t be fixed. But there are other times that bring an unexpected feeling of gratitude when I see that there is a chance to make amends or restitution. All this granted by kindness from those we affected.

Most of the time, I live in the present without the heaviness of anxiety, guilt, fear, and depression. I have clarity and peace of mind when things are not easy or going as expected. I can deal and accept life in life terms. I am capable of keeping my ego in check and work with my character defects and try to be better.

 

Gifts

November 28, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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I have never considered material gifts as important unless given tome. I have been thinking a lot of them literally, because of the season. I was never good at taking the time to think of others enough to buy anybody a gift; of course, being so self-centered. But today, and thanks to my wife and daughter I believe I am at least trying to be better at it.

Separate from material gifts,  I see in my present life a lot of them that have come with sobriety. I found them one by one as I progressed into this journey and new way of life.

The first one I acknowledged was desperation, maybe if not the most important this days, it is the one I shall never forget. However, as I moved on to grow spiritually, I discovered others and kept them as landmarks of the places I have been into along my recovery. Today, awareness is the one my life holds on to and gives me perspective.
As a human being I tend to expect the worse and the worst, I find myself hidden in corners of my heart and mind looking for others to fail or things to go wrong. I use to feel ashamed of it but in the present, knowing that it is only one of my many shortcomings; I am grateful that awareness allows me to detect it on time to stop and redirect my actions before I go to those places or to make amends when I don’t succeed to correct myself on time.
Sometimes I awake as the easygoing, humble person that wants a simple life and that is capable of seeing the good in it and accept what I have been granted, Others, I can’t receive what I have without feeling that I deserve more and more. Sometimes when this happens, I find that anxiety is still there and that I tend to look for material gain and recognition and personal gratification. But holding to awareness and letting it be the guide of my present, I can deal with them and repurpose as drive into productive behavior and service to others.

My human nature, has me always keeping count of everything, I count disappointments, failures, and anything that gives me an opportunity to blame life and others for what doesn’t go as I expect in my life. But awareness pops up with all the small little good things that I have and come every day into my life and shows me that, the good stays with us naturally as the bad it’s only us who are responsible for keeping it around.
I am thankful for the chance that I have every day to notice and accept what life is and the clarity to think, pause and do the best possible.

Follow the path

November 9, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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We are continually trying to be better and to stay in the light but; we are human, and it is our nature that we fall short. This is part of who we are and something we can not change, the real job there is to accept it. We are not perfect creatures and have flaws, but we have been given reason and freedom of choice to reach awareness and improve as we walk in our journey.

There have been others that crossed the same path and left their knowledge behind so we can follow their footprints. As someone who found the way out of my hell and was granted a second chance, I see this often. I can fall into my humanity, and it is ok. What is required from me is to apply my tools and follow the path I was taught to accept my shortcomings and get back on track on my way to progress.

I pledge to be aware and humble and to do my best to follow my program. It doesn’t matter how far I am from perfect because that is not my aim. I am thankful for the freedom of choice and the gift of desperation that brought me into a path to recovery and hope I can be a better human being to those in my life who belong to my heart.

 

Stay Sober

October 22, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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AA gave me the structure that I needed to get sober, There was no way I could have succeeded if not for the program. Even my therapist, an old school Psychologist admitted how important was for me and how she could see me growing and improving thanks to that.

For me, it was several ingredients that consolidate my recovery and can’t see the result today if it wasn’t for any of them. But, for sure it was the fellowship the one that guided in “real time” my path to get better. I understand and live my every day using the tools that AA gave me; they seem to be habits and costumes almost as reflexes in my behavior. They are part of me, they make me who I am today.

My life has changed so much, I recovered the ambition and the ability to dream again. At the same time I moved on from situations and relationships, and I am aware I will still be moving on from more as a result of this new journey.

I have met a lot of people in recovery, living sober somehow makes you gravitate with people in the same situation. It is funny, hard to explain; maybe it was always like that but I can’t remember meeting so many people sober in the past. I certainly met a lot of heavy drinkers and users. Nowadays it looks like a trend, a fashion sometimes. I know more and more people want to be healthy but the sobriety thing seems to be becoming more popular (maybe it is just me).

One person was talking about some documentary or film about AA people willing to leave the anonymous part. That how they believe that could help to acceptance from the normies to the disease of addiction and so. Personally, I am not sure, I have been in situations where I saw, losing the anonymity didn’t go well. And still agree with the part that as an individual, you should decide whether you share or not certain personal issues.

Once the obsession is gone, and we are able to build a life that is separate from alcohol (from our behalf), we need to come back to what you may call normal. I understand the importance of having friends and relationships with other sober people and to be close to the recovery community. But isn’t it the real world just a mix of people with different beliefs, ideas, backgrounds, and culture? We can´t live apart from the rest, and we cant either forget where we come from. That is basic for any human being, not only addicts.

So maybe there is not much to search for anymore, maybe this constant looking for answers leads nowhere, it only makes us uneasy; that is what keeps us away from serenity and fulfillment. Let’s live today and accept it the way it is, try to be better and use your tools to be aware of what needs to be improved and to recognize the moment when we just need to see life as a miracle that just happens.

Stay sober.

1037

October 17, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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My daughter just got her first job; she is 18 and hopes to be able to start College next spring. She has worked before (for me), but, this is the first time she looked for a real job (I call it that way) where she can actually get fired if she doesn’t step up to the task. I have to say I feel very good about it. I see it as the result of long talks, and I want to believe, thanks to deep thinking on her behalf about her reality and her future too.

We had breakfast this morning, and she told me about it, how did she found about the job, asked for it and eventually got hired. Then we moved on to less fun conversation. Just recently, we have had to discuss what she expects from me according to the ideas she has about obligations parents have to their children. Our stories are far apart, my kids had a much more comfortable ride than I did; their mother and I worked hard to make that possible, so they hadn’t to go through what we did and so they could enjoy life with better opportunities. I believe we succeeded.

But they don’t necessarily agree with this point of view, and I understand. I never agreed to anything my family thought life should be either, and that is probably just the way it is.

Today, I try to be fair, I had a second chance and wanted to be able to try to make amends and not make the same mistakes again while taking care of myself and without falling into putting myself second out of guilt.

I am an addict, and I have been clean and sober for 1037 days to this date. I was telling my daughter I forget about the 14th all the time, that is my sobriety date, and she says: well, I would say that is something good. In a way it is, I am not worried to count every single month anymore. That gives me some confidence, helps me think my recovery is solid.

This could mean something different to others; my wife, for example. I know it may make her feel a little scared that I am not “as committed” to my recovery as before; that I may be slacking or falling into complacency. I understand, someone told me once: -“You have danced to the left for so long that, now people are a little dubious if you are going to be able to keep dancing to the right. They found it hard to believe, they want to, but, you deceived them many times”- And that is true. I promised to change so many times, I cried wolf for so long, they can’t fully trust me. And perhaps this is for us, the highest price we will pay after all we made people go through with our destructive behavior in our old days.

So, I get it. We are what we do and not what we say. We have to show our loved ones, our friends, colleagues, and society who we are by our actions. We have to do our best to keep our side of the street clean no matter what others think nor waiting for recognition just because we did the right thing. It doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t give anybody anything they don’t deserve, and other times not even what they deserve. Life sucks but Life is Life.

It is a long road, and sometimes trying to do the right thing and share our mistakes with our children does not pay very well. I know they will have to make their own, but, can’t help to try to be there for them when I can.

I can’t take back time, I can only try to use today to be better than I was yesterday. Because it is all, I have. Not 1037 days, I just have TODAY.

Progress…

October 5, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

 

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It is a long road to get sober and in the beginning has to be a priority to build a structure, to grow and mature so we can protect ourselves from the outside factors that cause our addiction. This is hard to do since the real problem is inside of us. Still, the outside consequences have to be isolated in order to have a safe haven to work at peace in our inside.

Once we do this, and the obsession is gone and the habit kicked, life gets better and we may fall complacent. Why is this? Well, we stopped working on the root. This new life, became possible after a lot of work and we know it has to be continuous. It is an everyday task we need to tackle, because we are not perfect, but we can progress.

After 1026 days I finally admitted something wasnt right.I am sober but feel odd. I come to accept that for some time I wasnt at ease and that I let the outside world and the everyday situations take the first role in my head and disconnect from my spiritual care. I was overwhelmed by trying to juggle my life affairs (trying to build a better future for me and people I care for) because, I stopped doing my inner work.

It took a while, certainly the hurt or the consequences are not even close to those in my addiction days but they exist and honestly, there is no need. We know better.

Once again, acceptance and humility lead to awareness. This last one, starts again the work on our character defects and put us back in the road to progress.

 

 

Life today…

September 11, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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Waking up can be surprising, we realize only with time how may moments we wasted, how many relationships we broke or harm and how many good people and great stories we cut off by our oblivious passing through life.

The stories we made up to compensate or justify our actions and to create a false image in order to fit in and be accepted. It is just time that brings to us the truth to the surface and it is disheartening sometimes. It is just sad. There are so many things I would like to say, so many words I would like to take back and so many moments that I know I should have behave differently and decisions that should have taken in a completely opposite.

I know, it is not possible, this is just wishful thinking and not even that. It is over and there is no chance to change the past and many times this will  be the price to pay.

These are thoughts and memories that come back every time; often after making amends with the people involved or better said affected by my actions. I am not going into a victim mode with this or holding in the past trying to duel on the impossible wich would be staying in the past. But this feelings are real and inevitably come and reveal themselves to me. It is the truth of my life and the tools for my recovery and growth.

Today it is clear that as I have a chance to live better and I am granted the chance to do something in order to make it up if possible and  there are many times I just have to move on and accept that.

I am ready to embrace all this moments and memories as part of my story. Use them as a light to guide me through the moments where my old ways come up and crawl into my behavior. It is a good feeling that we can heal and get stronger from the very weaknesses that almost killed us in the past. It is great to be alive and be able to feel again; the hope and the lessons.

Don,t stay still…

September 5, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

 

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How Recovery has to change as we all do and become different individuals than we were in the past? I believe and agree that the foundation of recovery needs a very tight structure. Indeed it is this structure and discipline that I lacked of for a very long time.

There are as many say; plenty different options to get sober and clean. Some agree or identify with one or the other and that has a big part in the success in the final result. I have come to learn that in every aspect of life we need to be strict in one hand but we need some flexibility and open-minded on the other.

It is been hard work and a tough road up to here, especially at the beginning of the struggle against addiction. That obsession had control over me and would take over again and again when I let my guard down. I was always a tought from picking up and using every single day, many times I fought every hour. In other occasions, just waking up sober was the single great victory of the day.

I can say I tried everything; and being an entitled, selfish, know-it-all ass, nothing worked and it was not my fault. Coming surrounded by an  “educated background”, people around me were only in favor of Psychology and against 12 steps programs or AA. I was emphatically told not to try any of the because they don’t work, I was going to fail. It was a fact.

Almost 4 and a half years  later and close to 3 years sober and clean, my history  tells a different tale. AA worked for me but, together with Therapy and Treatment. All three of them even failed at some point, but when I joined them as part of my personal development they were the solution.

I get all of them, I understand why people don’t like AA, why they don’t want to go to treatment and why they dont believe in Therapy. Everybody is, at some extent right and also leave room for reasonable doubts. I guess nobody and nothing are perfect or hold the last word about anything. We are all built the same and are completely different.

The one thing that bring us back from the suffering and darkness of self-destruction lies inside of us. We get sober and keep ourselves there. But we need training, we need to learn how to live and accept life. We need to be taught to cope and to feel. We need help and we should ask for it and embrace it in any form it comes. We should try to take it as it fits.

Time pass and we grow and evolve, we change and we can’t always keep with the same solutions or stay ate the same places. Recovery has to move on to a bigger place when our lives grow into busier and more complex times. We need to surround with people in recovery yes, that is crucial for us but, the world is not only people who ar sober and not  all people who is not like us we have to avoid. One of the basic promises in AA, for example; is  that we will become active and productive members of our society and that includes people in or out of recovery. We are part of the same world, we are different but we are the same.

Dont stay still, grow, evolve, embrace the change and live and breathe all of the aspects that are part of the new life youve got.

Find Similarities

August 28, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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¨Is life sober good for you? I was really sick, and my business makes it harder. I am a bar tender. I got really low. ¨ This are regular conversations after a meeting, you get to connect with people you havent spoken to ever and would never have in real life. Here we share no only what it was like then and how it is today. We are together united in a bond that only we understand. We have all been through a lot, we lost a lot and we are building our lives back.

A very difficult thing to do when we first come is to find similarities; we have fought so hard to be different. Some made a promise to grow up and never be like the adults in their life. Some never understood their families and just were waiting for a chance to leave and find their own way. Others were just left alone decided it is better to be apart and on their own.

Still, at some point we found people we thought they got it all and wanted to be around them or like them. Human beings can’t be alone, we need to share, we need to be accepted and a part of something bigger. What a contradiction right?

When I first started recovery I tried everything. Started with trying to control it was the first of course, treatment to find out what was so wrong in my past that made me into the person I became. Self help books, Therapy, you name it. one day someone told me:

What are you doing now to give maintenance to that expensive Recovery you just bought? I would take care of it with some program, what about AA?
Yes, funny. I met him in AA already, but he read in our conversation I was to make a common mistake others fall into. People go to Rehab and then believe they graduated, they feel all the work is done and they can take their life where it was before the way they lived it before. Well, not quite, recovery  is a new life, it is a process that continues for the rest of our lives. If we go back to the life and the ways we had before, history will catch up on us just the same.

Opening ourselves to others is not easy, it makes us vulnerable and none of us wants to go there. We stuffed down our feelings and fears because we don’t want to be hurt. But only when we show are true colors we connect, nothing resonates like that. And that is what makes us one. Once  showing who we really are, people identifies, we find the similarities and we start listening. We relate and that is what makes a program work.  We become equal, we create fellowship.

We tried so hard to be different and failed, and now being part of something (wich we always recoiled from), we find we can  make it work. All walks of life, backgrounds, situations but in the end we find out that we are all the same, we share feelings, fears, hope, dreams, and we want to share it with others. Life is about that and we come from hardships and faraway to find that together.