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It is not easy, but it is worth it

Keep taking one step at a time, it is worth it…

May 17, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

There is no amount of understanding, therapy, meetings or fellowship that can repair what is broken. We find the reasons in our upbringing, we learn about psychology and practice the tools others share. It makes sense, we actually understand what happens and accept what happened as well. We grow and get stronger. We make amends and try to fix what is possible. We become productive and find ways to cope with the death of friends, family and try every day to be better. We learn how to live without drinking and using and truly don’t miss it. It takes a lot of time and hard work to get there.

We keep present where we come from and embrace who we become. We try to stay humble and strong. We know that doesn’t only make sense but it is the right thing to do. We live to take care of our health and want to be there for the ones we love.

This is all very real and we truly want it and live for it. But we can’t change the very core of who we are, and we know this is inside us and alive. We choose to live and that is why we stay sober. It is a matter of life and death if we don’t. We know how much we will miss if we are gone and at the same time we don’t care. We would go back to get that feeling of being somewhere high, somewhere above everything, somewhere between reality and our imaginary world from broken children. That never goes, it remains there, in the back of our life and all the good we build. Yes, it is insane, it makes no sense, it is absurd and stupid. Why would we end all the wonders in our lives and change them for a moment in nowhere, for something that is nothing? However we do, we have gone there and will again just as easy.

Is it this madness just sadness? Why would we quit winning for loosing? Why would we choose darkness and silence instead of light and joy? I guess I will never know, it is a foolish bet, all the odds are against, it is clear and still, we would go back there in a second just because of feeling lonely.

Can’t explain it, and don’t really look for finding any whys. just keep taking one step at a time.

Stay strong, it is worth it.

Embrace yourself…

May 16, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

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What are my main concerns today? My mind can go randomly from memories on the first days of my recovery to the thought or questions that I had a few days ago. These are two different realities from different lives certainly but can’t be apart from one another. They keep my awareness in check; they force me always in an exercise that brings my feet to the ground and reminds me how I get here; what I lost and what I have been able to build as I grow into a better human being.

Sometimes it is hard to believe how much, things that seem simple today did trouble me and how they stopped me from keeping my sobriety. It looks like no matter how much I think I have learned; my ego brings me back to believe that I have achieved a superior level that makes me better than others. I know now this means, that I am human, and my flaws will always be there. Judging instead of embracing what and who I am is something I do even to myself, why wouldn’t I do it to others?
After all the loss, once I worked on better myself I am able to listen and accept what others have to say and open my mind to feedback and advice; even to criticism; this allows me to make amends and have empathy with the people in my everyday life. It does improve my relationships and helps me to keep my side of the street clean the best way I can.

Acceptance to one brings us humility and help us see and be able to take the gifts life and human beings are kindly and generously delivering to us.

Be present, accept the past and embrace yourself into the journey.

Sober is right for me…

May 9, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

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Recovery changes or we change in recovery? Every step forward into a new level of growth manifests itself and brings us into a moment of reflexion. It used to be every accomplished year of sobriety; this time a new change came earlier; a lot has happened in my almost five months passed my third year clean. A few notable events that would have shaken or strengthen my recovery in past the past; one, both the natural, expected death of relatives that belong to the older generation that started to leave us and the other (our generation) losing too soon their lives to addiction. Projects, goals, and dreams come true and lost equally after a lot of work and anticipation and hope in the person of my daughter and my son starting their lives as grown adults. Seems like a lot to go through in such a short time, or at least it would have been certainly in early sobriety. Today it appears that is only life happening with good and bad stuff coming our way some as consequences of our choices and some others as simple reality bites we have no control over. Either way, it is only life happening to us as it does to everybody else. These events are big to me, not anymore in the sense of justifying myself acting in victim mode or blaming the world from my failures or bad luck but, in recognizing that today, I can go through them in acceptance and gratitude being aware of how far I have walked without forgetting where I come from.
I can see that everything is in the right place because it is the right time for it. That everything that happened made this moment possible and that I must embrace the outcome as a milestone and perhaps, make a pause, sit back, relax a little and prepare for what it comes next.

Sober is the right path for me, and I have no regrets about my past; only the appreciation for the lessons it brought to me.
Stay strong.

ADJUSTMENT TO LIFE

April 1, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

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Interaction with people become challenging and surprising in Recovery. Sobriety becomes our lifestyle and like any other, after the adjustment to it, it turns natural and an everyday operation sort of speak. We live our lives as if it was like that since the beginning. It is real for us until our relationships with others outside our programs show us how different the perspective is coming from the regular world.

Disbelief, doubts, but most of all poor understanding of how addiction works. Therefore, the actions and changes we have done and need to maintain in our lives to keep us where we are today separate us from the world. We lose friends and grow apart from family members. Just like us at one time; everybody thinks of addiction as something temporary or transitional. The notion that it is not a phase of development that will be ended by the accumulation of knowledge or awakening but through constant and permanent work is not understood. It shows us how this condition is often dismissed and underestimated. At the same time, it stigmatize the individual who carries it. Nothing really to take personal or to be offended by but important to consider.

I have experienced though, that with enough time and at the right moment; people stop feeling threatened and become open to listening. Then, very often they experience a big a-ha moment of the reasons that made us change and sent us into the healing path we now enjoy. This changes completely the tone of the relationship, gets rid of the bitterness product of the fear caused by the no-understanding of the changes we made and the road we took after entering into sobriety.

In progress

January 6, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

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There are many things out of our control happening around us and forces that can influence people we care for. Sometimes we can feel this in a conversation. Our intuition points us that something is not quite right, it feels like a premonition, but it could be hard to identify precisely what it is. However, we get an underlying sense of the reason. When the relationships surrounding these events are complicated, and we must restrain our response to avoid misinterpretations, it becomes tougher, and we may feel uneasy and anxious.

We always want to give the right advice; it is, after all, our duty (many of us feel) to do what we can to guide and help our loved ones. It possibly won’t go the way we try even when we have the best intentions. We may not be able to communicate clearly, or the other person may not be ready, open to understanding our comments.

So, what do we do? It is very little what we can, and it is hard because we will probably see our worst fears or worries unfold. The fact here is, and we learned it the tough way and first hand in recovery; that most often, everyone has to go through their fails, unpleasant situations, and hardships to grow up.

At times we feel it is not fair because it seems that our view was correct but, in the end even if this was right, it is their life, and we can’t decide the choices others make. It is not easy to stay aside when we care for the person, but we need to let go.

And there it is where we find the lesson for our learning, for our personal spiritual growth. These moments show us that the journey is about progress and it never stops. So, buckle up, pay attention and enjoy the ride.

Soul Searching

January 4, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

Our contribution purely depends on our consciousness and our willingness to support those in need, to show vulnerability and accept the support of others, to share without expecting the credit, to give it our all and allow our hard work to decide the outcome, to understand that control can only be achieved with a shared responsibility.

It is only until we take inventory honestly and work on our character defects without trying to make any justification; when we serve who needs it and help who can’t stand for themselves and live taking full commitment, that we humble ourselves and really walk in recovery.

Remain Teachable, stay humble…

December 27, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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In the process to better ourselves, we may fall into self-righteousness. We don’t want to be back in our ways. Try to stay away from selfishness or being judgemental. We don’t want to hurt people and are always careful of our actions in order not to fall again.

But we may lose the complete view and sometimes forget that the story has as many sides as spectators. We can grow apart from our principles and values in our effort to become an example. And we go back; we get arrogant and condescending, we shut our minds to other opinions and become intolerant. We feel one up than others and think that our way is the only right way.
I quit drinking and using a little over three years ago. I recovered most of my clarity; I am in a general way healthier. I don’t smoke anymore and cut caffeine by half so far. I have improved many of my relationships professionally and personally. I have made some amends and attempted others. Many things have changed for good and are better drastically comparing the old days. I have less anxiety and accept that there is a lot of stuff out of my control, and I don’t try to change them or manipulate outcomes.

Every day I find something new to be grateful for and continuously remind myself of many others that have come to me as blessings and gifts in this time.

But I am myself and always will be. Complacency starts sinking into my recovery, and I slack on my personal growth: I stop working on myself and forget that my addiction was active as a result of my shortcomings as a human being.

Staying stopped is not enough. So now that I am looking for meaning for these years and what is the next step into my recovery; I see very clearly that I have to stay vigilant.

My worst fear today is not picking up, it is antagonism, indifference, harshness. I become egotistical, proud and rude. So I need to remain teachable, humble and it is not easy. In the end, we are human, and we travel on this journey of progress, not perfection.
Life has been good to me so far and keeps getting better as long as I accept who I am and remind myself where I come from.

Stay strong.

Grateful

December 14, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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Many things have changed in 3 years. I knew I had a problem for very long but always put it on hold. I didn’t want to address it; my pride won’t let me. It took 18 months, and after years of keeping it contained, it finally took over, I lost control of it and went down so fast. I knew there was no way out. I found desperation, and when asked if I wanted help I jumped right into it. I am grateful I did because I was going to die if I continue on that path.

I went from the struggle minute by minute to stay away from picking up to the victory to go to bed sober. From seeing long-term sobriety as too much time to need more time of it because three years are not enough.

We are made from all of these feelings; life is all kind of experiences. You can’t be happy all the time. It is ok to be angry, sad and depressed sometimes because that is the way it is.

Life will bring you a few good things and then a bunch of bad ones. If you are looking for only the highs and want to avoid the lows, you will only find disappointment.

So, after all this time you realize it. You have been waiting for the big moment, the epiphany. Well, this is it, this doesn’t go away. You wrestle it every day. So you are happy to be able to do it. Others don’t t get to be that lucky.

Be grateful.

 

 

 

1087

December 6, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

 

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What have I learned and what is my life like today after 1087 days in sobriety? I have gone through many changes. From being afraid of having a drink and counting minute by minute begging to be able to stay sober for one more hour until I attend a meeting. When the most significant victory of a day would be to go to bed sober. To almost not thinking about the subject but to be aware who I am and where do I come from.

It has been a lot of learning, and it has been hard to find that most of the life I was living was a lie. To realize that I had no friends and that the relationships and people that are important in my life were broken and away from me because of me. Everything changed a lot and kept on moving, bringing moments I never expected to live again. Sometimes I feel that I experience feelings for the first time and others, I get to comfort myself watching how lost moments of happiness and content come back and soothe my soul.

There are moments when I hurt from the reality of the things I lost and the people I let down and know it can’t be fixed. But there are other times that bring an unexpected feeling of gratitude when I see that there is a chance to make amends or restitution. All this granted by kindness from those we affected.

Most of the time, I live in the present without the heaviness of anxiety, guilt, fear, and depression. I have clarity and peace of mind when things are not easy or going as expected. I can deal and accept life in life terms. I am capable of keeping my ego in check and work with my character defects and try to be better.

 

Gifts

November 28, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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I have never considered material gifts as important unless given tome. I have been thinking a lot of them literally, because of the season. I was never good at taking the time to think of others enough to buy anybody a gift; of course, being so self-centered. But today, and thanks to my wife and daughter I believe I am at least trying to be better at it.

Separate from material gifts,  I see in my present life a lot of them that have come with sobriety. I found them one by one as I progressed into this journey and new way of life.

The first one I acknowledged was desperation, maybe if not the most important this days, it is the one I shall never forget. However, as I moved on to grow spiritually, I discovered others and kept them as landmarks of the places I have been into along my recovery. Today, awareness is the one my life holds on to and gives me perspective.
As a human being I tend to expect the worse and the worst, I find myself hidden in corners of my heart and mind looking for others to fail or things to go wrong. I use to feel ashamed of it but in the present, knowing that it is only one of my many shortcomings; I am grateful that awareness allows me to detect it on time to stop and redirect my actions before I go to those places or to make amends when I don’t succeed to correct myself on time.
Sometimes I awake as the easygoing, humble person that wants a simple life and that is capable of seeing the good in it and accept what I have been granted, Others, I can’t receive what I have without feeling that I deserve more and more. Sometimes when this happens, I find that anxiety is still there and that I tend to look for material gain and recognition and personal gratification. But holding to awareness and letting it be the guide of my present, I can deal with them and repurpose as drive into productive behavior and service to others.

My human nature, has me always keeping count of everything, I count disappointments, failures, and anything that gives me an opportunity to blame life and others for what doesn’t go as I expect in my life. But awareness pops up with all the small little good things that I have and come every day into my life and shows me that, the good stays with us naturally as the bad it’s only us who are responsible for keeping it around.
I am thankful for the chance that I have every day to notice and accept what life is and the clarity to think, pause and do the best possible.