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Grateful

April 20, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

 

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I spend most on the time trying to do my best in working my program. I have gotten some degree of peace and serenity and feel that I am growing up finally. Life is good and my relationships at work, with friends and family are at the best they had ever been. Summing it up, life is good.

Everyday I have the chance to be aware of my shortcomings and character defects and have the tools to keep my sobriety. There are moments too when I catch myself having thoughts of how would it be like if I go back to my old ways and every time I am certain I have a strong recovery going on. My life has meaning today, it has purpose, I cherish the good in it and I am grateful for the gift of recovery and thankful for the second chance.

I see other people living like me and everything seems fine.

I want to believe we have all made it and suddenly  got a brutal reminder . My mind runs non-stop looking for a reason. One of us died a couple of days ago “by this horrible decease” a member said. I found out through the internet. I havent been as regular as I used in AA meetings for a while, I thought he was fine. That is what we always assume probably.  So, What happened, Why, What was going on in his life? How didn’t anybody know in order to help, to stop it?

People are in shock and the most heard comments are about had seen him, talked to him, and everything looked fine, It sounds like it just suddenly happened, its never sudden. I thought he was maybe sick, that he had some kind of medical issue. I think of all possibilities and health causes and even may have thought about some kind of accident to justify it. My mind doesn’t want to go to the possibility of a death by addiction. I just want it to be any other cause, I don’t want to know about any of my people to go because of our condition, disease, insanity, call it whatever.

Recently I spent a couple of evenings with a friend visiting with his wife, he is in the program, They are taking two months to travel and live in Mexico and work from here. It is an experiment to see if they can split their time and live in both countries. It sounds sweet, who wouldn’t love to be able to do it. I for sure would sign for it.

So, again everything sounds great, It looks like they got it all figured it out and I admire them for having the courage to adventure into this dream.

Chatting over dinner he says they just went to Europe to visit his brother and he took her to a wine tasting dinner, he ordered his usual soda and she got the tasting menu. Then he said he sip a little of the wines. He said he is ok, doesn’t see anything wrong with it. I said nothing.  It stayed in my head for days, Why? Whats the purpose? Am I overreacting? Is he going to far? Is he being complacent? Am I becoming judgemental?

I don’t know, I fear for my friend, for others. It makes me think a lot about my own recovery, Am I really ok? Is my sobriety as solid as I believe?  This other man just died a few days ago! Should I talk to my friend about it? Should I let him know that I worry about him for what we chat about the other day?

With all this going inside my head I reflect on my own life and ideas about what I have learned and heard in this past 28 months of clean and sober time. How long it is long enough to feel safe?

The answer is the same I got since the beginning. This is a lifetime journey, this is built one day at a time and never ends. I can’t stop working and I must never forget where do I come from and who I am. I shall never stop being grateful for the gift of sobriety or ever stop seeing the blessings in my life wich presence weighs always much more than my problems or difficulties.

Not sure what I am doing other than do the work.

My name is Eduardo. I am a GRATEFUL recovering alcoholic-addict.

 

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