May 23, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
It is hard to look within in a deeper fashion, I get distracted to easy and that is why many times I don’t do the proper work to achieve a better self. I started my recovery going to a meeting everyday for 155 days straight. I needed that, the struggle to stay sober was every minute, every hour, every day.
After 29 months, I rarely think about it or crave it, I have thoughts of how it was and it is present in my senses and I am sure it will always be. Maybe the things that worry me the most are not related to the actual perform of my addiction but to the behavior and thinking that use to lead me there. My “isms” where a consequence, that’s why I still and always will have to work on the causes. This is why I need to go deep onto myself when I realize old thinking starts its move to take over.
A few months ago I found myself sitting at meetings without being present. Like the way school was in my early childhood just about repetition and memorizing rather than understanding. My first to years were of constant changes in my personal and professional life and I see definitely a lot of progress in every aspect of it. But I believe I got to excited and pleased about the changes that I got complacent and stopped really improving and failed to see that there was really still much of the debris from the past 26 years of addiction (the white blanket in front of our face). How arrogant is to think that in less than three years you can rebuild the destruction of our past.
So I focused on my work and family and put most of my hours on them and new projects. That left AA aside and when I found out it had been months without attending to meetings. Recently one person from the fellowship died after relapsing, He had stopped going to meetings, normally that is the result. So it is a common thought for us alcoholics that when someone doesn’t attend meetings for a while, we assume they are drinking again. Today I drove my car to the mechanic to get serviced, a couple AAs where there too, we walked together for a while, it took three blocks before he asked: Are you still sober? I mean if you are not it is ok, just don’t die (this far from making me feel bad shows me that he cares.) Yes I said, and you know I expected that, not everybody asks but, we all assume the answer is relapse, and even when someone says they haven’t we stick for a while in our the idea that the person did picked up; we doubt. I have done it. We are what we are, we think the worse, it is like if we like others to fail, it is human nature. Non offense taken. We lied and failed for so long that everybody expects that from us, I know that my kids, friends, fellow alcoholics, my mother and even my wife they all still do and they always will. It is what it is, I understand. It is part of recovery.
Sobriety is a personal journey, we do it for us because that is the only way it works.
I have to stick to it because there is a lot to do still, and there are times when i have to make what its best for me and the most important is to be honest to myself and when I am just pretending just try to find a solution. AA saved my life, but therapy and treatment too, as well as hope, purpose and love.
Do whatever you have to do to stay clean and sober, even if others don’t understand. Stay humble, be honest and just do it!