August 23, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
They say that the darkest hour is the one right before dawn. For most of us this is the ugly truth. Personally I knew for a long time that I needed to change. Every morning I promise myself that I would drink differently to avoid the outcome that kept repeating itself every night. I hated the person I turned into and the situations I put myself and others through. I understood that it had to end and that I had come to a place I didn’t want to be. I could agree that it wasn´t healthy and that it was destroying everything and everyone around me. Making my life Chaos and taking me to a lonely and ugly end. Still, and even after all that, I wanted a drink with every fiber of my being. I couldn’t stop anymore. Somewhere, somehow I had lost the ability to decide and what it was once a choice; took over and became a disease. I couldnt manage my life. So, in my mind I was aware of all this; in my heart I honestly wanted to quit. It took me eighteen months though, to be able to accept complete defeat. This was for me, the end of that and the beginning of a life full and plenty, beyond my imagination.
Many times I tried to analyse why I couldn’t achieve what others did. Look at my work as just a project in progress and never finished. At the same time I set goals and work hard in order to get them; succeeded every single attempt and right after I would always quit. It seemed like escaping, running away. I had the sensation that nothing I ever did was enough. That once arriving , I didn’t want to be there anymore. Never feeling that I was accomplishing anything. There was no sense or proof of getting anywhere. And that simply, says it all.
I spent all my energy and time chasing success as a destination. Never being able to set feet on the actual time. There lies the problem. With sobriety came growth, maturity. It is a big eye opener. I got real, I woke up.
Awareness set foot in my world and made me understand that this is it. That nothing gets any better than the present moment. Life happens every second, it is lived one step at a time; it is not the past of the future.
I am able to see that there are many things I can and should be proud of. That it is not arrogance but appreciation for what life has brought me and recognition to the people who has had a part in making that possible.
Embrace the good and thank the bad that taught you how to improve and grow a better human being.
One thing sobriety has brought to my life is that most of the time I live the moment and are able to appreciate the miracle of being alive. Recovery gave me the tools to understand that I am not perfect and never will be; but that I can be aware and detect my character defects right when they appear. I am capable of turning that thought around and stay in the progress shift and avoid the perfection mode.
It is a hard struggle, it is permanent but it pays with a life that keeps getting better and bringing more and more of it every time. A simple program for complicated people. It works, it really does.