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ADJUSTMENT TO LIFE

April 1, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

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Interaction with people become challenging and surprising in Recovery. Sobriety becomes our lifestyle and like any other, after the adjustment to it, it turns natural and an everyday operation sort of speak. We live our lives as if it was like that since the beginning. It is real for us until our relationships with others outside our programs show us how different the perspective is coming from the regular world.

Disbelief, doubts, but most of all poor understanding of how addiction works. Therefore, the actions and changes we have done and need to maintain in our lives to keep us where we are today separate us from the world. We lose friends and grow apart from family members. Just like us at one time; everybody thinks of addiction as something temporary or transitional. The notion that it is not a phase of development that will be ended by the accumulation of knowledge or awakening but through constant and permanent work is not understood. It shows us how this condition is often dismissed and underestimated. At the same time, it stigmatize the individual who carries it. Nothing really to take personal or to be offended by but important to consider.

I have experienced though, that with enough time and at the right moment; people stop feeling threatened and become open to listening. Then, very often they experience a big a-ha moment of the reasons that made us change and sent us into the healing path we now enjoy. This changes completely the tone of the relationship, gets rid of the bitterness product of the fear caused by the no-understanding of the changes we made and the road we took after entering into sobriety.

In progress

January 6, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

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There are many things out of our control happening around us and forces that can influence people we care for. Sometimes we can feel this in a conversation. Our intuition points us that something is not quite right, it feels like a premonition, but it could be hard to identify precisely what it is. However, we get an underlying sense of the reason. When the relationships surrounding these events are complicated, and we must restrain our response to avoid misinterpretations, it becomes tougher, and we may feel uneasy and anxious.

We always want to give the right advice; it is, after all, our duty (many of us feel) to do what we can to guide and help our loved ones. It possibly won’t go the way we try even when we have the best intentions. We may not be able to communicate clearly, or the other person may not be ready, open to understanding our comments.

So, what do we do? It is very little what we can, and it is hard because we will probably see our worst fears or worries unfold. The fact here is, and we learned it the tough way and first hand in recovery; that most often, everyone has to go through their fails, unpleasant situations, and hardships to grow up.

At times we feel it is not fair because it seems that our view was correct but, in the end even if this was right, it is their life, and we can’t decide the choices others make. It is not easy to stay aside when we care for the person, but we need to let go.

And there it is where we find the lesson for our learning, for our personal spiritual growth. These moments show us that the journey is about progress and it never stops. So, buckle up, pay attention and enjoy the ride.

Soul Searching

January 4, 2019

Eduardo Glen Mora

Our contribution purely depends on our consciousness and our willingness to support those in need, to show vulnerability and accept the support of others, to share without expecting the credit, to give it our all and allow our hard work to decide the outcome, to understand that control can only be achieved with a shared responsibility.

It is only until we take inventory honestly and work on our character defects without trying to make any justification; when we serve who needs it and help who can’t stand for themselves and live taking full commitment, that we humble ourselves and really walk in recovery.

Remain Teachable, stay humble…

December 27, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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In the process to better ourselves, we may fall into self-righteousness. We don’t want to be back in our ways. Try to stay away from selfishness or being judgemental. We don’t want to hurt people and are always careful of our actions in order not to fall again.

But we may lose the complete view and sometimes forget that the story has as many sides as spectators. We can grow apart from our principles and values in our effort to become an example. And we go back; we get arrogant and condescending, we shut our minds to other opinions and become intolerant. We feel one up than others and think that our way is the only right way.
I quit drinking and using a little over three years ago. I recovered most of my clarity; I am in a general way healthier. I don’t smoke anymore and cut caffeine by half so far. I have improved many of my relationships professionally and personally. I have made some amends and attempted others. Many things have changed for good and are better drastically comparing the old days. I have less anxiety and accept that there is a lot of stuff out of my control, and I don’t try to change them or manipulate outcomes.

Every day I find something new to be grateful for and continuously remind myself of many others that have come to me as blessings and gifts in this time.

But I am myself and always will be. Complacency starts sinking into my recovery, and I slack on my personal growth: I stop working on myself and forget that my addiction was active as a result of my shortcomings as a human being.

Staying stopped is not enough. So now that I am looking for meaning for these years and what is the next step into my recovery; I see very clearly that I have to stay vigilant.

My worst fear today is not picking up, it is antagonism, indifference, harshness. I become egotistical, proud and rude. So I need to remain teachable, humble and it is not easy. In the end, we are human, and we travel on this journey of progress, not perfection.
Life has been good to me so far and keeps getting better as long as I accept who I am and remind myself where I come from.

Stay strong.

Grateful

December 14, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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Many things have changed in 3 years. I knew I had a problem for very long but always put it on hold. I didn’t want to address it; my pride won’t let me. It took 18 months, and after years of keeping it contained, it finally took over, I lost control of it and went down so fast. I knew there was no way out. I found desperation, and when asked if I wanted help I jumped right into it. I am grateful I did because I was going to die if I continue on that path.

I went from the struggle minute by minute to stay away from picking up to the victory to go to bed sober. From seeing long-term sobriety as too much time to need more time of it because three years are not enough.

We are made from all of these feelings; life is all kind of experiences. You can’t be happy all the time. It is ok to be angry, sad and depressed sometimes because that is the way it is.

Life will bring you a few good things and then a bunch of bad ones. If you are looking for only the highs and want to avoid the lows, you will only find disappointment.

So, after all this time you realize it. You have been waiting for the big moment, the epiphany. Well, this is it, this doesn’t go away. You wrestle it every day. So you are happy to be able to do it. Others don’t t get to be that lucky.

Be grateful.

 

 

 

1087

December 6, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

 

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What have I learned and what is my life like today after 1087 days in sobriety? I have gone through many changes. From being afraid of having a drink and counting minute by minute begging to be able to stay sober for one more hour until I attend a meeting. When the most significant victory of a day would be to go to bed sober. To almost not thinking about the subject but to be aware who I am and where do I come from.

It has been a lot of learning, and it has been hard to find that most of the life I was living was a lie. To realize that I had no friends and that the relationships and people that are important in my life were broken and away from me because of me. Everything changed a lot and kept on moving, bringing moments I never expected to live again. Sometimes I feel that I experience feelings for the first time and others, I get to comfort myself watching how lost moments of happiness and content come back and soothe my soul.

There are moments when I hurt from the reality of the things I lost and the people I let down and know it can’t be fixed. But there are other times that bring an unexpected feeling of gratitude when I see that there is a chance to make amends or restitution. All this granted by kindness from those we affected.

Most of the time, I live in the present without the heaviness of anxiety, guilt, fear, and depression. I have clarity and peace of mind when things are not easy or going as expected. I can deal and accept life in life terms. I am capable of keeping my ego in check and work with my character defects and try to be better.

 

Gifts

November 28, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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I have never considered material gifts as important unless given tome. I have been thinking a lot of them literally, because of the season. I was never good at taking the time to think of others enough to buy anybody a gift; of course, being so self-centered. But today, and thanks to my wife and daughter I believe I am at least trying to be better at it.

Separate from material gifts,  I see in my present life a lot of them that have come with sobriety. I found them one by one as I progressed into this journey and new way of life.

The first one I acknowledged was desperation, maybe if not the most important this days, it is the one I shall never forget. However, as I moved on to grow spiritually, I discovered others and kept them as landmarks of the places I have been into along my recovery. Today, awareness is the one my life holds on to and gives me perspective.
As a human being I tend to expect the worse and the worst, I find myself hidden in corners of my heart and mind looking for others to fail or things to go wrong. I use to feel ashamed of it but in the present, knowing that it is only one of my many shortcomings; I am grateful that awareness allows me to detect it on time to stop and redirect my actions before I go to those places or to make amends when I don’t succeed to correct myself on time.
Sometimes I awake as the easygoing, humble person that wants a simple life and that is capable of seeing the good in it and accept what I have been granted, Others, I can’t receive what I have without feeling that I deserve more and more. Sometimes when this happens, I find that anxiety is still there and that I tend to look for material gain and recognition and personal gratification. But holding to awareness and letting it be the guide of my present, I can deal with them and repurpose as drive into productive behavior and service to others.

My human nature, has me always keeping count of everything, I count disappointments, failures, and anything that gives me an opportunity to blame life and others for what doesn’t go as I expect in my life. But awareness pops up with all the small little good things that I have and come every day into my life and shows me that, the good stays with us naturally as the bad it’s only us who are responsible for keeping it around.
I am thankful for the chance that I have every day to notice and accept what life is and the clarity to think, pause and do the best possible.

Follow the path

November 9, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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We are continually trying to be better and to stay in the light but; we are human, and it is our nature that we fall short. This is part of who we are and something we can not change, the real job there is to accept it. We are not perfect creatures and have flaws, but we have been given reason and freedom of choice to reach awareness and improve as we walk in our journey.

There have been others that crossed the same path and left their knowledge behind so we can follow their footprints. As someone who found the way out of my hell and was granted a second chance, I see this often. I can fall into my humanity, and it is ok. What is required from me is to apply my tools and follow the path I was taught to accept my shortcomings and get back on track on my way to progress.

I pledge to be aware and humble and to do my best to follow my program. It doesn’t matter how far I am from perfect because that is not my aim. I am thankful for the freedom of choice and the gift of desperation that brought me into a path to recovery and hope I can be a better human being to those in my life who belong to my heart.

 

Stay Sober

October 22, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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AA gave me the structure that I needed to get sober, There was no way I could have succeeded if not for the program. Even my therapist, an old school Psychologist admitted how important was for me and how she could see me growing and improving thanks to that.

For me, it was several ingredients that consolidate my recovery and can’t see the result today if it wasn’t for any of them. But, for sure it was the fellowship the one that guided in “real time” my path to get better. I understand and live my every day using the tools that AA gave me; they seem to be habits and costumes almost as reflexes in my behavior. They are part of me, they make me who I am today.

My life has changed so much, I recovered the ambition and the ability to dream again. At the same time I moved on from situations and relationships, and I am aware I will still be moving on from more as a result of this new journey.

I have met a lot of people in recovery, living sober somehow makes you gravitate with people in the same situation. It is funny, hard to explain; maybe it was always like that but I can’t remember meeting so many people sober in the past. I certainly met a lot of heavy drinkers and users. Nowadays it looks like a trend, a fashion sometimes. I know more and more people want to be healthy but the sobriety thing seems to be becoming more popular (maybe it is just me).

One person was talking about some documentary or film about AA people willing to leave the anonymous part. That how they believe that could help to acceptance from the normies to the disease of addiction and so. Personally, I am not sure, I have been in situations where I saw, losing the anonymity didn’t go well. And still agree with the part that as an individual, you should decide whether you share or not certain personal issues.

Once the obsession is gone, and we are able to build a life that is separate from alcohol (from our behalf), we need to come back to what you may call normal. I understand the importance of having friends and relationships with other sober people and to be close to the recovery community. But isn’t it the real world just a mix of people with different beliefs, ideas, backgrounds, and culture? We can´t live apart from the rest, and we cant either forget where we come from. That is basic for any human being, not only addicts.

So maybe there is not much to search for anymore, maybe this constant looking for answers leads nowhere, it only makes us uneasy; that is what keeps us away from serenity and fulfillment. Let’s live today and accept it the way it is, try to be better and use your tools to be aware of what needs to be improved and to recognize the moment when we just need to see life as a miracle that just happens.

Stay sober.

1037

October 17, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

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My daughter just got her first job; she is 18 and hopes to be able to start College next spring. She has worked before (for me), but, this is the first time she looked for a real job (I call it that way) where she can actually get fired if she doesn’t step up to the task. I have to say I feel very good about it. I see it as the result of long talks, and I want to believe, thanks to deep thinking on her behalf about her reality and her future too.

We had breakfast this morning, and she told me about it, how did she found about the job, asked for it and eventually got hired. Then we moved on to less fun conversation. Just recently, we have had to discuss what she expects from me according to the ideas she has about obligations parents have to their children. Our stories are far apart, my kids had a much more comfortable ride than I did; their mother and I worked hard to make that possible, so they hadn’t to go through what we did and so they could enjoy life with better opportunities. I believe we succeeded.

But they don’t necessarily agree with this point of view, and I understand. I never agreed to anything my family thought life should be either, and that is probably just the way it is.

Today, I try to be fair, I had a second chance and wanted to be able to try to make amends and not make the same mistakes again while taking care of myself and without falling into putting myself second out of guilt.

I am an addict, and I have been clean and sober for 1037 days to this date. I was telling my daughter I forget about the 14th all the time, that is my sobriety date, and she says: well, I would say that is something good. In a way it is, I am not worried to count every single month anymore. That gives me some confidence, helps me think my recovery is solid.

This could mean something different to others; my wife, for example. I know it may make her feel a little scared that I am not “as committed” to my recovery as before; that I may be slacking or falling into complacency. I understand, someone told me once: -“You have danced to the left for so long that, now people are a little dubious if you are going to be able to keep dancing to the right. They found it hard to believe, they want to, but, you deceived them many times”- And that is true. I promised to change so many times, I cried wolf for so long, they can’t fully trust me. And perhaps this is for us, the highest price we will pay after all we made people go through with our destructive behavior in our old days.

So, I get it. We are what we do and not what we say. We have to show our loved ones, our friends, colleagues, and society who we are by our actions. We have to do our best to keep our side of the street clean no matter what others think nor waiting for recognition just because we did the right thing. It doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t give anybody anything they don’t deserve, and other times not even what they deserve. Life sucks but Life is Life.

It is a long road, and sometimes trying to do the right thing and share our mistakes with our children does not pay very well. I know they will have to make their own, but, can’t help to try to be there for them when I can.

I can’t take back time, I can only try to use today to be better than I was yesterday. Because it is all, I have. Not 1037 days, I just have TODAY.