Skip to content

It is not easy, but it is worth it

Anonymity

August 13, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

Sobriety is turning my life around no doubt. It began as a struggle to stay clean, a fight against addiction. Substance abuse was not longer doing its job protecting me and providing the strength and confidence I needed. There was fear to fall as it had happened continuously over the course of Eighteen months. At this point, I finally got it; it  started and stays until the present day uninterrupted for almost 3 years.

What my worries are today nothing have to do with being around alcohol or drugs. They simply don’t appear to have room in my life and happenings.

My work everyday is to use the tools I have gotten to progress in my spiritual fitness. I have the awareness to notice soon enough (not always before it happened), to correct my actions when my character defects made appearance in my interactions with others.

I can notice when I am about to lie, manipulate or wrong anyone. Sometimes I stop and avoid it and some others I have to fix it after  it is done before I go further. It is not easy to do whether is simple to understand. So, this is a fun journey for sure and I can see all this as life´s perks. Definitely a great ingredient that makes life richer and richer.

And as I have been taught this skills I notice, out in the world we are still subject to realities different from ours.

Recovery becomes so familiar to me because it is my way of life now. I am surrounded by people who acts and thinks like me and it makes it solid and stronger. On the other hand, as well, There are others that know little or nothing about our spiritual and mind shift and we have to deal with it the same.

Many people notice our change, they comment about how better we look and are aware of our improved behaviour. It is noticeable of course and this is great as it starts opening back to us opportunities and bringing confidence back on us from the outside. In order to keep this and grow we have to maintain strict and hard work on our program and there lies the difference between we addicts and lets call them ¨normal people¨. Time and time goes and I believe this is common until I get to discuss the subject with someone who is not in the program. Avoid this last at all cost. Sobriety is personal.

I didn’t understand the need for anonymity for a very long time, I had to break it and pissed a couple of people after being so carefree about it, Took me awhile to see I can use anonimity about myself the way I please but I can’t touch others´.

The Real World, wich will be the right way to name it and not The Normal World, doesn’t know about Recovery and cares very little. There is a lot of prejudice based on ignorance of course; and that is where anonymity plays the amazing part of allowing us to navigate safe and without unnecessary difficulties in everyday life.

The fun fact is that we are all looking for the same; Alkies, Normies, everybody. The not so fun fact is that we all think our way is the best, that’s just human, but it is what always screws everything up.

Following what my program for living tells me I try to keep myself inside these basics:

1.- Always be aware of my character defects and how they may suddenly appear and play me in my relationships with others.

2.-Recognize when it happens and fix it right there and then.

3.-Keep myself and others in the fellowship protected by respecting their anonymity and the way they live their program.

4.- No matter how much I want to help; keep my opinion to myself unless I am asked for and/or if it is really wanted.

Character defects.

July 25, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

The more time I am granted to stay sober, the better I understand why surrender is the first step into getting better. It took me 18 months to finally have that last drink/use and being able to keep myself in recovery for 30 months now. Acceptance is big, it is made of honesty, we have to be humble for it.

I fought my addiction all that time telling myself I honestly wanted to get sober. I went to meetings, shared, read and study every day and it wasn’t working. “AA must be wrong. My sponsor, people in the room, everyone was wrong. This is not for me, this doesn’t work.”

That was my story. I was doing everything right and still failing. Then, one day my mind stopped in a page I had read many times. But now it clicked, “Who wants to accept complete defeat”. In that moment I got it, I finally accepted that was my problem, I understood I was wrong, that I hadn’t done everything right. I was defeated, I couldn’t deny it anymore. Since then, I was able to work on myself, I kept quiet, listened and did as I was told. Everything started to work, I stopped failing.

I believe that for me, this is a program of continuous acceptance of my character defects, of my shortcomings, little defeats that humble me and take me to the winners side.

I no longer want to be right, I don’t want to have control. I accept life and try to grow by living life in life terms.

It is funny how we surrender in order to win. How we accept we are defeated by our addiction to be able to live life at its fullest. To grow as a person. To get well.

Reminder

July 24, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

DSC_0004

 

I found this in my notes today, powerful reminder of where I come from and who I really am.

Mon 5 sept 2016

This morning arrived to my usual meeting when in AZ; a group I like because has a solid community of sobriety and newcomers regularly.

It’s a time in my life when I start seeing the good, growth and serenity coming into my life and it’s clear to me the difference of the then and now.

But today was not like the usual; today was painful, shocking, even that it is a true I well enough know about. Today a 3 year sober member came back after a binge of a week or so of alcohol and drugs. That took me to the place I was 2 years ago that scared me enough to ask for help. I saw I was going to die if I didn’t change mi lifestyle. Everyone who shared welcome him back, but one member said something different that clicked on my mind and provoke a lot of thinking:

“Not everyone who pats your back is your friend and not everyone that kicks you in the ass is your enemy.”

So true for me, I have always been welcome in AA; and still went out and relapsed numerous times; after that I’ve been welcome again and again with open arms and every time I went out I ended at the same spot I was before AA; in my case it never got worse cause  for me would have meant death.

I never came back for the welcoming; I always came back cause I didn’t want to die, plain and simple.

So, what I get from today and think I want to say is that I feel of course some happiness, empathy and some sense of hope when someone comes back but I also know that every time gets harder to come back, like other person said every time someone goes out there is a chance he/she won’t make it back.

Someone said to me once:

I don’t want to try to find out if I can manage my drinking after 20 years sober; why would I gamble with my life?

Today I can say that there is no gamble in that, in gambling there is a chance for you to win; in picking up I know I won’t have that chance.

Stay strong, accept defeat.  Stay alive.

Acceptance

July 19, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

The topic of this morning meeting was Serenity. Definitely one thing I know today is that there are no peace, clarity or serenity in addiction. It is a constant battle and exhausting. You have to lie, manipulate, hide, just to get what you want.

How then we can achieve Serenity in a world like that? Acceptance, it is the main catalyst to start the journey to sobriety. For that we need to accept complete defeat, it’s in our literature. But how can we get that? It’s hard, you need humility, honesty, discipline, awareness. This are qualities we addicts lack of utterly.

Once you are able to accept who you are you take the first step. That will be the first time that we feel what serenity is.

In a way our program is about acceptance over and over, first with our surrender, then with our character defects, later with our inventory, and the result is peace.

It does get better.

Sobriety brings Hope

July 13, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

DSC_0375.JPG

I am reflecting a lot in my life lately. These are times of big changes around here and I want to be ready, want to be up to the task. The worst years of my addiction started about 9 years ago; I had just open my second restaurant and was motivated and excited, happy, fulfilled professionally. Personally I had lived a good life but was about to change.

In a matter of months my marriage entered rough times that lead to its end. I seeked refuge in work, party and alcohol. No wonder where it took me. This is a spiral I lived having at bay at times and that would take over at moments too. It took a toll in my biz, my family, friends and everybody and everything around me. Incredibly in the next 6 years I managed to open 2 more restaurants in a different city that crashed and burned of course but my first old one survived the storm.

Long years of living with a crescent intake of booze to numb the feelings, cocaine to keep me going, and pity parties to get attention from others. Bad decisions professionally, personally and spiritually. Went from thin, from social drinker, likable, professional and kind person to overweight, bitter, disgusting, careless, blackout drunk and irresponsible.

During this time I managed to start running again and lose weight, open a nice place (the second out-of-town) and get my shit together for a reasonable period of time. Even looked I could be able to start a nice, healthy relationship with a decent woman. As it says it was possible for some time but only last until my decease came back and I went all the way submerged in the final and nasty last blow that destroyed most of all I had in my material, professional, family and spiritual world. Addiction hit me with its last blow and I almost lost everything, including my life.

This story I have shared and is not really what I am willing to talk today. In my present this comes as a reminder of what happens and where I go if I don’t work in my spiritual, physical and intellectual condition. If I let my ego direct my actions and stop paying attention to my life and the people in it. There is a lot to lose, too much.

It is only a few weeks before I come to a new country with my soon to be a College student; my daughter wich I cant wait to watch becoming an adult. To my wife so we can  start a new life full of projects and excitement; dreams and hope. We are all working in making this happening. I work with my team in Mexico to leave a solid operation that allows me to focus on what I have to do in the US in order to be productive and with the right dedication and work; succesful too.

This is only possible for one simple fact, I am sober today. I don’t know for sure what will happen, how it everything is going to work out. How easy or hard things will go? but I know all will be fine, that whatever happens I have today the tools to accept life, people, situations and destiny for what they are and go through it with a clear head.

I have a program today and that means I have Hope, wich is something I lost in the past and we know that could be the end of everything for us.

Today I am grateful that I found the gift of desperation and accepted complete defeat to my addiction. After that moment, the world opened to me the best part of my life.

Time

July 10, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

Always keep track of my time sober and clean. Sometimes I think of it more than others. I do it in a different way as I use to in early recovery, it was about adding time in order to feel safe. It made me think that with time I was putting distance in between too and that it will help me stay away from danger. Today I think of that time and try to find what is different in my life after sobering up. I look at my progress and how far I have become but at the same time it shows me that I am still myself and that I am far from perfect and I fall from time to time short in my work of becoming a better version of myself. So time has become part of being aware, a tool to measure unbiased my behavior and my actions to keep myself accountable and avoid complacency. I still procrastinate and leave work undone or drift from the best progress I can make but I stay aware and accept my mistakes and shortcomings.

I am grateful for my program and the life it allows me to have.

Peace.

Nobody wants to say it

July 9, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

 

DSC_0357

 

We stay with our people and we protect anonymity for what it could cause to our fellowship, we respect how others wish to be seen and what they are comfortable of their private life to be public. In many occasions people who aren’t addicts or alcoholics don’t really get what we struggle with or the way we see things in our addiction. They wont either had experience nor being affected in their lives like we have. I can understand this, as a matter of fact we alcoholics do, we know the difference and have learned to respect and accept others point of view. Tolerance is a big tool for us selfish beings.

We learn to be discrete, sober, and quiet and don’t give our opinion unless its is required, and many times we succeed but we are not perfect, we just seek progress.

I try to keep this values. And as much as I can try to stay away from promoting my new lifestyle or the benefits of a life free of substance stimulation. Every time I see the effects of this abuse in the life of others, some who I care deeply and some others I don’t know. In any case, I care and wish for the best. I don want to be lecturing the world about their doings or seeking for global sobriety. Still there is something that bothers me and every day I feel less willing to accept. I can not talk anybody into my beliefs but I can’t stay quiet and accept that there is nothing wrong with it. I grew up in a family of heavy drinkers, Bohemians they liked to call themselves and was introduced to alcohol with the idea that if it was done the right way it would keep me from abusing it and end up holding a bottle in the street wrapped in a paper bag. I didn’t end up like that but learned that there was no difference between me and the man I just pictured. We are both alcoholics, we both lost control and both our lives became unmanageable. We were both going to die sooner than we should and today we both as well share Recovery as we walk one thought away from going back to our personal hells if we don’t do the work.

I see how much our society is brainwashed about the use of alcohol and how important people believe its role is in our lives. This is where I draw the line, I wont keep silence when such absurdity is killing women and men.

In recovery many things change, we grow up, get healthier, fix relationships and businesses, get better jobs, houses and thrive in any possible way we can see. But we also lose a lot, not only friendships we ruined with our behaviour, lies and manipulation but we see others die; this is always painful and hard to go through but specially hurtful when we lose them to addiction. They go to soon, and in ugly painful ways.

All kind of people die to this disease, some never look like the typical alcoholic (not to Normie though, but we know), some are great women or men, succesful, caring, with social committment, religious, family people, good people, They would die suddenly and too young and everybody around would express their surprise and say why, he looked alright, he wasnt sick, etc. Well guess what, he /she was sick, he/she wasnt ok, and nobody wants to say it.

We can’t keep quiet anymore, we can’t ignore the facts and we have to educate kids and change the way we initiate our daughters and sons into adult life. They need to know alcohol and drugs kill, they need to know that nobody needs them to be funny or smart or to have fun or mor important to be accepted or be worth it.

WE DONT NEED ANY OF THAT!

Stay strong, speak up, educate, protect the kids, tell the truth.

 

There is no permanent success and won’t come without a fight either.

July 5, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

Recovery never stops, and is not only about the work I have to maintain in order to build my spiritual strength and achieve personal growth. It is always bringing answers in the form of flashbacks of my old behavior.

It is so obvious where I was wrong, how I acted recklessly and so out of the basic common sense. It puts a cinic smile on my face cause there is no doubt today but it was not the case years ago. I didn’t have a clue, I was so wrapped in my egotistical little world I couldn’t se beyond my nose.

Sobriety brings this answers along as tools to cope today against my character defects. It comes with awareness that keeps my ego at bay so I can stay humble and look first at me and my actions before I judge others. Sometimes I fall in feeling that because of all the world I’ve done I can teach or guide others. I am not much different than when I was using but I recognize that just being able to stop 2 seconds after I exaggerate or brag about my spiritual fitness or lie or turn condescending and apologyse and correct cleaning my side of the street.

I am capable to live in gratitude for what I have and what life teaches me even in a bad day or through a bitter experience.

I have acceptance in my heart of who I am and know that I can use my mistakes as tools to be a better version of myself tomorrow.

I’ve learned and witness the importance of one step at a time in working a strong program in order to have a solid recovery.

Love is here.

Sober up and keep going

May 27, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

DSC_0002

 

SOBRIETY.-

Dignitycommon sense, pragmatism, practicality, self-control, self-restraint…

Among other synonyms this is basically the definition. We all have listen to words of wisdom that click on us when we attend meetings. For me it was an old-timer that delivered one that made a solid impact in me: I havent drank alcohol in many years, however, I have to stop from time to time and ask myself

Am I living sober?

Dignity is made of self-esteem, people who live with it are considered being worthy of honor and respect. These are things that contrary to what I tried to show in the outside I was never good at. I presented facade of a strong, fun; caring person to people but inside I wasnt feeling enough and was completely self-centered.

Common sense, well no need to say that in the life of an addict this is the one thing I totally lack of. Everything in my behaviour was against it, after all the problems I caused and got into, I kept doing the same over and over until it almost killed me in order to ask for help.

Pragmatism and Practicality,  both of this again are even out of consideration in a world surrounded by chaos and instability. lies and deceit. Really nothing more to say.

Self control and Self-restraint this two especially sounded like a joke.

This looked like a lot more work, definitely stop drinking and using caused me a lot of problems and put me in dangerous or shameful situations. I had to stop before it got worse. Later in recovery I realized that there are too many more behaviors, bad habits I had to get rid of and many other skills and values I needed to learn if I was to be a productive, valuable and decent members of society.

I made meetings my primary goal when I just got clean, that and literature took good part of my time, It was a time when any excuse would make me pick up and from there anything would go. So being around AA and “my people” was pretty much what kept me in the right path. I needed to learn that there are many other things in life though, we have  professional, family and social relationships and the most important, the one with our own  self. And we have to work on all of this as well so, not drinking is just the beginning.

Three years and a half ago I was not struggling, I was fighting to death to keep myself away from my addictions, I would give anything to be able to stay sober for just a week. Listening to people with 15 years in recovery sounded like a far dream, today I am still not close to them but I feel even  this many years are too little time to enjoy life´s  journey.  It does get better and better.

Today I finally have been able to stay stopped. Sober for twenty-nine months i think : What is my goal now? What is next? Well, I am positive that finding out what to LIVE SOBER is. Besides of all the situations one experiences in life, good moments and memories enjoyed as well as the bad or unfortunate everyone had to endured, a particular ingredient is what in the end makes us find Hope and Purpose. Spirituality, is what allows human beings to accept reality.

Then, how do I apply all this everyday in order to live a life that is worth of respect, self-esteem, with common sense, self-restraint and  being able to deal with things sensibly and realistically in a way that is based on practical considerations? Honestly I can’t say I know, even understanding the concept feels hard to grab at once but I have no doubt based on how recovery has turned the mess my world was wrapped around into the gift  I get to wake up every morning to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sobriety is a personal journey

May 23, 2018

Eduardo Glen Mora

DSC_0025

 

It is hard to look within in a deeper fashion, I get distracted to easy and that is why many times I don’t do the proper work to achieve a better self. I started my recovery going to a meeting everyday for 155 days straight. I needed that, the struggle to stay sober was every minute, every hour, every day.

After 29 months, I rarely think about it or crave it, I have thoughts of how it was and it is present in my senses and I am sure it will always be. Maybe the things that worry me the most are not related to the actual perform of my addiction but to the behavior and thinking that use to lead me there. My “isms” where a consequence, that’s why I still and always will have to work on the causes. This is why I need to go deep onto myself when I realize old thinking starts its move  to take over.

A few months ago I found myself sitting at meetings without being present. Like the way school was in my early childhood just about repetition and memorizing rather than understanding. My first to years were of constant changes in my personal and professional life and I see definitely a lot of progress in every aspect of it. But I believe I got to excited and pleased about the changes that I got complacent and stopped really improving and failed to see that there was really still much of the debris from the past 26 years of addiction (the white blanket in front of our face). How arrogant is to think that in less than three years you can rebuild the destruction of our past.

So I focused on my work and family and put most of my hours on them and new projects.  That left AA aside and when I found out it had been months without attending to meetings. Recently one person from the fellowship died after relapsing, He had stopped going to meetings, normally that is the result. So it is a common thought for us alcoholics that when someone doesn’t attend meetings for a while, we assume they are drinking again. Today I drove my car to the mechanic to get serviced, a couple AAs where there too, we walked together for a while, it took three blocks before he asked: Are you still sober? I mean if you are not it is ok, just don’t die (this far from making me feel bad shows me that he cares.)  Yes I said, and you know I expected that, not everybody asks but, we all assume the answer is relapse,  and even when someone says they haven’t we stick for a while in our the idea that the person did picked up; we doubt.  I have done it.  We are what we are, we think the worse, it is like if we like others to fail, it is human nature. Non offense taken. We lied and failed for so long that everybody expects that from us, I know that my kids, friends, fellow alcoholics, my mother and even my wife they all still do and they always will. It is what it is, I understand. It is part of recovery.

Sobriety is a personal journey, we do it for us because that is the only way it works.

I have to stick to it because there is a lot to do still, and there are times when i have to make what its best for me and the most important is to be honest to myself and when I am just pretending just try to find a solution. AA saved my life, but therapy and treatment too, as well as hope, purpose and love.

Do whatever you have to do to stay clean and sober, even if others don’t understand.  Stay humble, be honest and just do it!