July 5, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
Recovery never stops, and is not only about the work I have to maintain in order to build my spiritual strength and achieve personal growth. It is always bringing answers in the form of flashbacks of my old behavior.
It is so obvious where I was wrong, how I acted recklessly and so out of the basic common sense. It puts a cinic smile on my face cause there is no doubt today but it was not the case years ago. I didn’t have a clue, I was so wrapped in my egotistical little world I couldn’t se beyond my nose.
Sobriety brings this answers along as tools to cope today against my character defects. It comes with awareness that keeps my ego at bay so I can stay humble and look first at me and my actions before I judge others. Sometimes I fall in feeling that because of all the world I’ve done I can teach or guide others. I am not much different than when I was using but I recognize that just being able to stop 2 seconds after I exaggerate or brag about my spiritual fitness or lie or turn condescending and apologyse and correct cleaning my side of the street.
I am capable to live in gratitude for what I have and what life teaches me even in a bad day or through a bitter experience.
I have acceptance in my heart of who I am and know that I can use my mistakes as tools to be a better version of myself tomorrow.
I’ve learned and witness the importance of one step at a time in working a strong program in order to have a solid recovery.
Love is here.
May 27, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
|Dignity, common sense, pragmatism, practicality, self-control, self-restraint…|
Among other synonyms this is basically the definition. We all have listen to words of wisdom that click on us when we attend meetings. For me it was an old-timer that delivered one that made a solid impact in me: I havent drank alcohol in many years, however, I have to stop from time to time and ask myself
Am I living sober?
Dignity is made of self-esteem, people who live with it are considered being worthy of honor and respect. These are things that contrary to what I tried to show in the outside I was never good at. I presented facade of a strong, fun; caring person to people but inside I wasnt feeling enough and was completely self-centered.
Common sense, well no need to say that in the life of an addict this is the one thing I totally lack of. Everything in my behaviour was against it, after all the problems I caused and got into, I kept doing the same over and over until it almost killed me in order to ask for help.
Pragmatism and Practicality, both of this again are even out of consideration in a world surrounded by chaos and instability. lies and deceit. Really nothing more to say.
Self control and Self-restraint this two especially sounded like a joke.
This looked like a lot more work, definitely stop drinking and using caused me a lot of problems and put me in dangerous or shameful situations. I had to stop before it got worse. Later in recovery I realized that there are too many more behaviors, bad habits I had to get rid of and many other skills and values I needed to learn if I was to be a productive, valuable and decent members of society.
I made meetings my primary goal when I just got clean, that and literature took good part of my time, It was a time when any excuse would make me pick up and from there anything would go. So being around AA and “my people” was pretty much what kept me in the right path. I needed to learn that there are many other things in life though, we have professional, family and social relationships and the most important, the one with our own self. And we have to work on all of this as well so, not drinking is just the beginning.
Three years and a half ago I was not struggling, I was fighting to death to keep myself away from my addictions, I would give anything to be able to stay sober for just a week. Listening to people with 15 years in recovery sounded like a far dream, today I am still not close to them but I feel even this many years are too little time to enjoy life´s journey. It does get better and better.
Today I finally have been able to stay stopped. Sober for twenty-nine months i think : What is my goal now? What is next? Well, I am positive that finding out what to LIVE SOBER is. Besides of all the situations one experiences in life, good moments and memories enjoyed as well as the bad or unfortunate everyone had to endured, a particular ingredient is what in the end makes us find Hope and Purpose. Spirituality, is what allows human beings to accept reality.
Then, how do I apply all this everyday in order to live a life that is worth of respect, self-esteem, with common sense, self-restraint and being able to deal with things sensibly and realistically in a way that is based on practical considerations? Honestly I can’t say I know, even understanding the concept feels hard to grab at once but I have no doubt based on how recovery has turned the mess my world was wrapped around into the gift I get to wake up every morning to.
May 23, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
It is hard to look within in a deeper fashion, I get distracted to easy and that is why many times I don’t do the proper work to achieve a better self. I started my recovery going to a meeting everyday for 155 days straight. I needed that, the struggle to stay sober was every minute, every hour, every day.
After 29 months, I rarely think about it or crave it, I have thoughts of how it was and it is present in my senses and I am sure it will always be. Maybe the things that worry me the most are not related to the actual perform of my addiction but to the behavior and thinking that use to lead me there. My “isms” where a consequence, that’s why I still and always will have to work on the causes. This is why I need to go deep onto myself when I realize old thinking starts its move to take over.
A few months ago I found myself sitting at meetings without being present. Like the way school was in my early childhood just about repetition and memorizing rather than understanding. My first to years were of constant changes in my personal and professional life and I see definitely a lot of progress in every aspect of it. But I believe I got to excited and pleased about the changes that I got complacent and stopped really improving and failed to see that there was really still much of the debris from the past 26 years of addiction (the white blanket in front of our face). How arrogant is to think that in less than three years you can rebuild the destruction of our past.
So I focused on my work and family and put most of my hours on them and new projects. That left AA aside and when I found out it had been months without attending to meetings. Recently one person from the fellowship died after relapsing, He had stopped going to meetings, normally that is the result. So it is a common thought for us alcoholics that when someone doesn’t attend meetings for a while, we assume they are drinking again. Today I drove my car to the mechanic to get serviced, a couple AAs where there too, we walked together for a while, it took three blocks before he asked: Are you still sober? I mean if you are not it is ok, just don’t die (this far from making me feel bad shows me that he cares.) Yes I said, and you know I expected that, not everybody asks but, we all assume the answer is relapse, and even when someone says they haven’t we stick for a while in our the idea that the person did picked up; we doubt. I have done it. We are what we are, we think the worse, it is like if we like others to fail, it is human nature. Non offense taken. We lied and failed for so long that everybody expects that from us, I know that my kids, friends, fellow alcoholics, my mother and even my wife they all still do and they always will. It is what it is, I understand. It is part of recovery.
Sobriety is a personal journey, we do it for us because that is the only way it works.
I have to stick to it because there is a lot to do still, and there are times when i have to make what its best for me and the most important is to be honest to myself and when I am just pretending just try to find a solution. AA saved my life, but therapy and treatment too, as well as hope, purpose and love.
Do whatever you have to do to stay clean and sober, even if others don’t understand. Stay humble, be honest and just do it!
May 10, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
How do I put my ego aside, I’ve learned in recovery that if the moment comes when I have to share something I should speak about myself. It is easier for others to let us in and listen when they don’t feel lectured. On the other side there is something in my mind telling me that I should not be using “I” or “me” words all the time. Some people in the fellowship say WE is the way the program works since it is the group that bring us back from hell.
The point is, whether it is right or wrong, I should only focus in being honest.
I know that besides the different backgrounds or situations, we came to recover in similar conditions. We all came defeated and asking for help.
When I decided to do something about my problem, I wanted to pick the best option. Right, like if I was shopping for something or I really had a choice. This was obviously me still trying to have control.
My first attempt was science, went to talk to a psychiatrist and my personal doctor. That didnt convinced me at all. AA came as the second option since I knew people in recovery for many years, and of course they were glad to help. I tried this and felt a little more confident but still was holding on to my own ideas. I manage to stay sober though for a couple of 30 days and a couple of almost 60 as well. Then I thought I needed something else and went to treatment.
One time, talking to my sponsor in AZ he asked what were my plans to keep my sobriety after treatment was over. He suggested that maybe after spending all that money I may want to protect that investment by giving it some regular maintenance service in AA wich is very cheap (actually a great deal comparing).
Therapy played an important role in this journey too. I was referred to by an old ex girlfriend who is a Psychologist and a strong opponent to 12 steps programs. She suggested me to go to therapy after my final and most painful relapse, arguing that this programs failed 90% of the time. So I started working with her colleague wich mentioned as well her professional distrust to the 12 steps methods but was interested in listening to what I thought had helped me in any way. This was key to help me accept her help and trust the approach that at the beginning didn’t work for me. She cared for what I had to say and I open my mind to what she had to give to me.
Later on she told me: “you already know I am not fond of the 12 steps programs. However, after all the time that we have been meeting I have to admit this: I don’t know what it is, or how it works but I can tell that you have changed and that somehow there is a change in your mindset so I propose we work together using what is best for you from what I have to give and what you get from AA”
We found the “golden nuggets” she said, lets keep looking for them with both approaches and I am sure you will succeed. She was right, and in my personal experience I couldn’t have done it without one of the two, even between them they dislike each other. I am not saying that AA converted a Shrink but I am glad she had the wisdom to see that I was getting something good from it and certainly helped me to finally let go of my resistance and accept all the help available for me, wherever it came from cause I needed it all.
It’s amazing how life can be so different and so the same all the time in the various stages of our development. There are many lessons learned and experience gained or acquired from them yet, always new experiences and opportunities that I appear like second chances.
At this point I am aware of my shortcomings and they allow me to appreciate and see them so I can learn something new. These are the times of many first times for me and for the people that surround me as my new life affects them differently than it did in the past. We are all related and now that I am working in being a better version of myself, I see that every time I get better I bring improvement to others as my actions affect them in a positive way.
There will always be challenges and this may bring the natural fear to the unknown and uncertainty from our own capabilities. Despite, there is no other way to go forward than to risk and adventure into new experiences and bigger and more complex. In the same token I don’t numb my senses because of that.
So here I am myself, in the company of others I share the world with, I need them to get where I am going but this time I care for all of us, not just me. I am are responsible of me and my sobriety, with that I am aware of the impact my actions and my sobriety affect others. We work together and become better together.
Today is a better day for my family, for my crew, for my friends and there is the “WE”.
April 20, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
I spend most on the time trying to do my best in working my program. I have gotten some degree of peace and serenity and feel that I am growing up finally. Life is good and my relationships at work, with friends and family are at the best they had ever been. Summing it up, life is good.
Everyday I have the chance to be aware of my shortcomings and character defects and have the tools to keep my sobriety. There are moments too when I catch myself having thoughts of how would it be like if I go back to my old ways and every time I am certain I have a strong recovery going on. My life has meaning today, it has purpose, I cherish the good in it and I am grateful for the gift of recovery and thankful for the second chance.
I see other people living like me and everything seems fine.
I want to believe we have all made it and suddenly got a brutal reminder . My mind runs non-stop looking for a reason. One of us died a couple of days ago “by this horrible decease” a member said. I found out through the internet. I havent been as regular as I used in AA meetings for a while, I thought he was fine. That is what we always assume probably. So, What happened, Why, What was going on in his life? How didn’t anybody know in order to help, to stop it?
People are in shock and the most heard comments are about had seen him, talked to him, and everything looked fine, It sounds like it just suddenly happened, its never sudden. I thought he was maybe sick, that he had some kind of medical issue. I think of all possibilities and health causes and even may have thought about some kind of accident to justify it. My mind doesn’t want to go to the possibility of a death by addiction. I just want it to be any other cause, I don’t want to know about any of my people to go because of our condition, disease, insanity, call it whatever.
Recently I spent a couple of evenings with a friend visiting with his wife, he is in the program, They are taking two months to travel and live in Mexico and work from here. It is an experiment to see if they can split their time and live in both countries. It sounds sweet, who wouldn’t love to be able to do it. I for sure would sign for it.
So, again everything sounds great, It looks like they got it all figured it out and I admire them for having the courage to adventure into this dream.
Chatting over dinner he says they just went to Europe to visit his brother and he took her to a wine tasting dinner, he ordered his usual soda and she got the tasting menu. Then he said he sip a little of the wines. He said he is ok, doesn’t see anything wrong with it. I said nothing. It stayed in my head for days, Why? Whats the purpose? Am I overreacting? Is he going to far? Is he being complacent? Am I becoming judgemental?
I don’t know, I fear for my friend, for others. It makes me think a lot about my own recovery, Am I really ok? Is my sobriety as solid as I believe? This other man just died a few days ago! Should I talk to my friend about it? Should I let him know that I worry about him for what we chat about the other day?
With all this going inside my head I reflect on my own life and ideas about what I have learned and heard in this past 28 months of clean and sober time. How long it is long enough to feel safe?
The answer is the same I got since the beginning. This is a lifetime journey, this is built one day at a time and never ends. I can’t stop working and I must never forget where do I come from and who I am. I shall never stop being grateful for the gift of sobriety or ever stop seeing the blessings in my life wich presence weighs always much more than my problems or difficulties.
Not sure what I am doing other than do the work.
My name is Eduardo. I am a GRATEFUL recovering alcoholic-addict.
April 16, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
April 15, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
April 12, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
April 7, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
After some sobriety time, we thrive and feel everything is fine, and this is true for a bit, some call it the pink cloud and I believe it helps for a while to get us in a good momentum we can take advantage of to achieve things and to consolidate our recovery at that moment. As an addict, I know there is no such thing as completing our recovery or graduating in sobriety. I have to work every day for the rest of my life to stay clean and sober at the same time I have to keep myself humble to accept life the way it is.
There are moments when I lose my cool and react to other people sayings or doings. I take it personally and sometimes as it is built-in me, I feel I am better than others because I have managed to keep myself in recovery for over two years. So I go back to my old me, I don’t need to be under the influence to do that.
On my way to treatment, My daughter who is the one person that has always looked me in the eyes and call my bullshit turned to me and said ” Dad, can I ask you something?” I said yes, what is it? She said, ” Well now that you are going there, are you going to become an asshole? ” I’ve heard that when people get clean, they become picky and not exactly easy-going and, you well, are already kind of like that.”
I have a great wife that went through pretty severe and dark moments because of my addiction and still, stood by me. I still struggled and finally was able to listen and do as I was taught. Until then I surrendered and stopped trying to be in charge. That saved my life, I saved my life and that is the truth for all of us. But there is always people around us that walk this path together with us because they care. And even they can do very little to save us, to fix us, that is the reason why all this is worth it.
I have bad moments and go back to my old me, I try to blame things on others and put myself back as the victim. I try to manipulate things and get control. But today I have a program that pops a red flag for me so I can see what is going on and STOP before it’s too late. Before I lose everything, I have again.
And this is the struggle; this is the fight for me and others. We are not perfect; we are on our way to progress, sometimes every day, sometimes every hour, sometimes we do it. But we must never forget who we are; we shall always remember this is a lifetime project. This is my life, and I have to work on it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
April 6, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
Many years spent chasing the perfect moment, the ultimate experience, trying to build a life that matches my expectations. That was for me as an addict the never ending story. The idea that I was in control therefore, I have the power to build a world where I would reign and obtain finally what I deserve, I will conquer and be happy for good and will never leave that state.
The result, everybody knows has nothing to do with this illusion or better said, delusion.
Once I surrendered and accepted who I am I discovered a new life, I see the world as it is and even find that all moments good or bad belong to my journey and come to me to help me grow.
I had the opportunity today to re-encounter friendships I thought I had lost,.I get the gift of meeting people for the first time or back again that I never thought had anything to teach me about life, and yet now that I can pay attention, they open to me a world I wasn’t able to see living in my tiny dark dungeon.
I can see that (like Joe Walsh well put it): LIFE’S BEEN GOOD TO ME SO FAR, and how lucky I am to be able to share moments with others and being able to let myself be humble and teachable to recognize someone who gives me knowledge or call it wisdom and accept this gift grateful.
Today I dont chase life, I embrace it with all its parts, I take care of myself and work in my character deffects in order to stay sober one day at a time so I can keep been given the opportunity to live this moments and many more.
Be humble, never forget, stay strong and be grateful one day at a time. Many of us didn’t make it. We’ve been given a second chance. LIFE IS GOOD.